Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
