I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Im part way to drunk.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
