I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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