You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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