u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
