Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
