saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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