Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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