Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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