census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
