Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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