he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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