I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
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