I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
