I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
and she was petting her beer can
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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