the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize