fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
