Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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