I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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