Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
