dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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