now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
