Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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