if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
