hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You're like the curious george of whores
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
