This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
