Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
