Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
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