I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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