Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize