Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
