i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
