It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
