After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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