You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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