is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
