The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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