just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
