paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
