I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
