The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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