Duck Duck Cougar?
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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