So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
