You're so nebulous sometimes
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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