i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
