I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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