Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
