My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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