Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
