Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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