I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
