Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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