I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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