I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
