what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
