I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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