We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
