the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize