We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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