i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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