god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
