We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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