If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize