Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
