Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
