dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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