nut hugger
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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